Never Cry Again

Domestic violence takes many forms and, although the abuse usually begins with one person, it can quickly become a learned behavior. When you grow up in an abusive environment, children pick up on the behavior and begin to mirror the actions of their abuser in one form or another. You can never tell which way one child will respond to the abuse compared to another. Some children will become afraid and submissive, while others will be afraid but will respond differently. My response was to become a fighter no matter the cost. One time we asked my mom who the angriest kid growing up was and she said I was and my siblings agreed. I was shocked by this because, I knew I was angry but didn’t think I was the angriest. But to be fair, I had many reasons to be!

Other than anger, emotions were taboo in my house because they only served as invitations to be ridiculed and laughed at. Vulnerability was a weakness and you never showed your emotional cards. I was a scrapper and would fight my way through anything and everything and can’t remember crying outside of getting a beating. However, there was one time when I allowed myself to show how I was feeling and I paid for it greatly.

In our house the only way that we settled disputes were with yelling matches, throwing things at each other and with fist fights. I don’t recall why, but on one occasion, two of my family members and I were arguing and I found myself on the wrong side of the argument. Words became heated and they ganged up on me, knocked me to the ground and started punching me. This was the first time that I had two people beating on me and I felt helpless because I knew that I couldn’t win against them. I had no way of stopping them and I finally gave up and started to cry. When they realized that I was crying they stopped punching me, burst into laughter and started to make fun of me.

Whenever I think of this situation, I wish I had taken another hundred punches rather than to have let them see me cry. Crying meant weakness; weakness meant failure; failure meant vulnerability; and vulnerability is never a safe place in an abusive house. In that moment, I promised myself that I would never let anyone see or make me cry again…ever! The promise that my 11 year-old self made would have repercussions on my mental psyche for years to come.

In a toxic environment, you do what you have to do to survive moment by moment, hour by hour and day by day. Being laughed at was worse to me than any punch and my only recourse was to make sure that I never allowed anyone to see me in a vulnerable state again. Vows are powerful things to speak into existence and they hold our hearts and souls captive until we break them off. A self protective wall was built around my heart that day and it would take a lot of hard work to break it down. Eventually, I had to go back to that moment and break the vow I made in order to find freedom in learning to be vulnerable and to trust people with my heart again.

The most important part of this story that I hope my readers would grasp is that it takes years to unravel abusive programming. It is not easy to come out of a domestic violent home and live a productive and healthy life. If I could go back in time, there is one thing that I would change and that would be to prioritize finding the time and money to get counseling. This would have fast tracked the processing and healing that I needed to go through. Instead, I gave in to the misconception that, once you accept Jesus into your heart, you no longer need counseling, medication or help because your life will be easier in every way. I would like to personally debunk this idealistic viewpoint.

Jesus has been my best friend for over 30 years and I have a very strong faith which is what has gotten me through every hard thing in my life. Having said that, faith does not prevent struggles, it does not prevent hardship, it does not prevent medical obstacles and it does not bypass the necessity of the healing process. As I previously mentioned, early on in my Christian walk I was convinced that, if I just had enough faith, I could be healed from my past without the necessity of counseling. This was not only unfortunate, but it was damaging because if anyone could have benefitted from having a good counselor, it was me. God gave us brains, intelligence and education for a reason…because He knew we would need it!

What I have witnessed in my life is God’s faithfulness to walk with me through my hardships and helped me to grow and become a better person through them. I am thankful that I have gained the wisdom that has allowed me to be grounded and to stay real. My family and close friends know how hard I have worked to stay in a positive mindset, choosing Love over and over again. I have no regrets about how I have handled the struggles in my life and I stand confident in the strong woman that I have become. But the road to get where I am today was very long, very hard and sometimes lonely and discouraging.

Victims of abuse need to be understood, valued and appreciated for their tenacity to overcome. They also need to be Loved for who they are in spite of the unfortunate cards they were handed in life. Who around you could use words of encouragement? Who around you needs to feel valued? Who around you needs to be honored? Recognize the accomplishments and efforts of those who have overcome because they are most likely still on their journey to being whole again and could use uplifting words to spur them forward. Never underestimate the power of positive words to a weary soul!

Until next time, honor those around you and stay safe!

7 responses to “Never Cry Again”

  1. It’s so hard to be vulnerable! It’s seen as weakness in a world where we have to be so strong. Thanks for sharing this and helping us be strong in our vulnerability!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Kris for honestly sharing your story!! It is a true story of redemption, healing and grace!! You are dearly loved and appreciated!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. To know you is to love you so easily with a heart that has been touched by you. You are raw, honest & someone that I honor for helping me out of a crushing situation. I was so numb & shut down but you, the woman you are today took the time during your own healing showing me my value as a mom and walked right there thru my firey pit. You don’t know how so very proud I am to have you walking thru life with, without judgement but just a heart of gold💖Thank you for healing for us so you can help us heal knowing it’s ok to be vulnerable & to know what a safe friendship looks like

    Liked by 1 person

  4. […] came to my senses and no longer needed it, however, it isn’t that simple. As I mentioned in, Never Cry Again, abusive programming takes years to unravel but, as a survivor of domestic abuse, there is […]


  5. […] I didn’t have to face wearing a ring with three different colors on it! I don’t cry often (Never Cry Again), but the tears let loose in this […]


  6. […] anyone who has followed my writings knows that I have experienced some pretty low, lows (Nini; Never Cry Again). I know the pain of rejection, abandonment, abuse, and of utter loneliness. I share my stories […]


  7. […] I cannot say for sure that my father had NPD because I don’t have the qualifications to diagnose him; I am not sure that was even a medical term back then. As I shared in, The Breaking Begins, he came from a violent home, and he was an alcoholic. Having said that, I cannot attribute his violent behavior solely to his drinking because he would knock us around sober as much as he did drunk. His fits of rage and violence put us in a constant state of fear and it was all we could do to survive each day.  The mental and emotional toll this takes is indescribable and requires some serious therapy to overcome. I was not aware of how invaluable counseling would have been to my healing process and would encourage anyone coming out of an abusive relationship to seek it out (Never Cry Again). […]


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: