That first blog was tough to write because the experiences that I shared were deeply personal. However, I have always believed that it is important to be real and honest about our life experiences. In being transparent, we can have genuine conversations that are healthy and will bring healing not only to us but to others as well. At the time I wrote this, I was in a totally different place than I ever thought I would be. I was unexpectedly out of a thirty year marriage and, truthfully, unsure of what lay ahead of me. I had a new lease on life and a freedom that I was not quite sure what to do with. The cool thing is that during that season my adult children were home, for a short time, and I was LOVING just hanging out with them! We were taking time to figure out what our “new normal” was and redefining our relationships in a difficult but beautiful way.
I have often heard people talk about their regrets and how they wish they had done things differently. When I look back on my life, sure there are things I wish I could change, however, I choose not to dwell on them because you don’t know what you don’t know. I didn’t know about things like, “self-care” or “emotional awareness”. For most of my adulthood, I took care of countless people but neglected myself. Until the last few years, I was one of the most emotionally unaware people you could meet! I have grown exponentially in that regard, but the journey has been long and tough.
The point is, no matter what bumps were on that road, I kept pushing forward and bettering myself. I took what life gave to me, picked up the pieces and tried to raise my children better than I was raised. There are certainly things I wish I could have done better, but I was who I was and I did the best I could. My children know this, they Love me and we have healthier relationships now because of the work we have put into it. For me, this is a win and I am intentional about celebrating every win!
I have also had the privilege of seeing other victims of domestic violence find victory in their lives and I will be sharing some of those stories. These women escaped violent relationships and walked the hard road to earn their freedom. Of course, I will never share real names and will change the details of their family dynamics to keep their identities private. But what they have to say holds tremendous value because they can give a true insider’s perspective on abusive relationships.
Helping victims was not something I planned on, and in the beginning I had no clue what I was doing. I made mistakes because of my lack of knowledge (Eryn), but I pressed forward because coming out of a violent situation made me feel protective of anyone I knew was in one. Looking back, there has rarely been a time when I was not helping someone, at some point, in their escape process.
My involvement with these escapes has landed me in some interesting predicaments. In an attempt to scare me, a victim’s husband took me on a 125mph motorcycle ride (Eryn). Along with the help of a team, I helped another victim escape and that resulted in her husband making me #2 on his hit-list. I saved the life of a friend whose ex got her so drunk that she swallowed 21 pills (Ebony: Part 4). Each situation was different, but the goal was always the same, to help them gain their freedom. The best part of each story is that the majority of these women have escaped and remained free from abusive relationships.
This is where the joy in what I do comes from. No matter how hopeless a situation seemed, I knew that freedom was attainable for them. The most important thing they needed to know was that they had someone they could trust and count on. It has been my utmost honor to have been that person for each of them.
Domestic violence is real and it is terrible for those who are trapped in a dangerous relationship (not just women). The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS) published the following facts for domestic violence:
• 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking with impacts such as injury, fearfulness, post-traumatic stress disorder, use of victim services, contraction of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.
• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have been stalked by an intimate partner during their lifetime to the point in which they felt very fearful or believed that they or someone close to them would be harmed or killed.
During the COVID lockdowns, reports of domestic violence increased significantly. It broke my heart to see that victims found themselves further trapped by abusers who began to work from home or lost their jobs and became angrier and more abusive than they had been before. Unfortunately, this issue is not going away, but when we unite as a community, we can rally around the victims and cheer them on. Instead of asking, “Why don’t they just leave?” we should ask, “How can I support someone and help champion them to freedom?”
Until next time, be kind and understanding and stay safe!
- For help anywhere in the US: https://ncadv.org/
- For help in Rochester NY: https://willowcenterny.org/
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