I have often heard it said that Narcissists are “easy to spot”; yet that is not always the case. Yes, when you are dealing with a narcissist who is outright controlling and manipulative, their behavior makes it clear who they are. This is the type of narcissist that most people are familiar with and what the DSM-51 defines as an Overt Narcissist; which I have written about in previous posts (Evia, Everly).
But there is a different type of narcissist that has the ability to fly under the radar which the above-mentioned manual defines as a Covert Narcissist (or Introverted Narcissist). This type are not only difficult to spot, but can get away with it either most or all of their lives. Their dubious behavior can hide underneath kindness and concern, which makes it difficult to recognize. Simply Psychology states that ‘Often people may be in long-term relationships with covert narcissists and not realize what they are experiencing is manipulation until emotional hurt is caused or the relationship ends’2. To put it simply, a person can be in a relationship with a covert narcissist for the entirely of their relationship and not even know it. Unfortunately, Eden was the perfect victim for this type of abuser, but she didn’t realize the gravity of her situation until she was out of it.
Eden grew up in a very tough situation, where both her father and mother were mentally and physically abusive. That abusive behavior trickled down to her and her siblings where screaming matches and violent fist fights were the norm in settling any type of disagreement. Although she was not mature enough to be on her own, Eden fled the home when she was 17 to escape the anger and violence. She was determined never to be hurt or controlled again and only dated men who seemed to be the opposite of her explosive father. At only 20 years of age, she married a young man named Adder and entered a marriage she thought would finally give her that “happily ever after”.
At first it seemed like she had met her Prince Charming (the Prince Charming effect Ebony Part 1), but very early on the expectations of being his wife began to build to unreachable heights. Little did she know that she had just entered a 20-year relationship filled with disapproval, rejection, and manipulation because he was the extreme opposite of who he had presented himself to be. Whether outright or indirect, both the overt and covert narcissists have the same goal…they desperately crave attention, want sole power over others, and they don’t mind using anything as a manipulative tool; even if it is God.
Adder used God to convince Eden that she was in need of deep changes. Despite growing up in poverty and with no knowledge of Who God was, Adder immediately expected Eden to act like ‘a proper Christian woman’. She was also expected to cook when she knew nothing about cooking; go to church and dress like all the other women; obey him and let all the decisions default to him. Still, she was in love and no matter how much she failed in behavior, Adder was supportive and would forgive her and encourage her to do better. Although Eden believed that his encouragement was ‘supportive’ in the beginning, over time it became clear that was not the case. Sadly, she was trapped in a marriage where she constantly felt like a failure and a disappointment to both her husband and to God.
It is important to point out that a covert narcissist uses subtle behaviors to gain control over someone. Even though their tactics may seem kind and for the benefit of another on the surface, underneath, their motives are purely selfish. As time passes, victims feel that their opinions or perspectives are wrong and they second guess themselves with regularity. In Eden’s case, Adder wrapped his controlling behavior inside words of concern for her well-being. He would gently remind her that God did not approve of her behavior and that he only wanted to help her to be a better wife. If she ever behaved outside of his known boundaries, she was immediately compared to other Christian wives and made to feel that she was unworthy. Each time it worked, he gained more mental and emotional power over her.
Another undercover tactic is to withhold support, compliments and praise. In a healthy relationship, a significant other will be one’s biggest cheerleader who is supportive, encouraging, and the person who believes they can do anything. Instead, covert narcissists are the biggest critics who refuse to acknowledge their partner if they do anything that they perceive as better than themselves. Eden made great strides to earn her husband’s approval, but she didn’t know she was in a losing battle.
Eden consistently worked hard to better herself and became a leader within an organization she and Adder were involved in. Because of her talents, she was asked to head up an exceptionally large event that would be attended by thousands of guests. For months she worked tirelessly to spearhead the event by planning and designing every aspect of it, organizing hundreds of volunteers, implementing the plan at the venue, and becoming largely responsible for the success of the evening. At the conclusion of the event, compliments were flowing and most were specifically directed toward Eden. On the surface Eden was experiencing the gratification of a personal success, however, she was not able to fully enjoy the moment because Adder had been keeping her bogged down with his silent disapproval.
Leading up to the event, Adder would not have conversations with her about the it and acted disinterested whenever she would talk about it. On the evening of the event he arrived over an hour late with no explanation. He then distanced himself from the guests by sitting at a back table alone and brooding. Eden noticed, however, she was too occupied to ask him if he was ok and wondered if something had happened. After the event, everyone was celebrating their success and planned to go out for a celebratory dinner. Eden, who was ecstatic about the key role she played, was looking forward to hanging out with the group. She ran up to Adder with great excitement to get his opinion about the event. But to her dismay, he immediately took control of the moment by responding to her with the blasé response of, “Are you ready to go home yet? I am tired.” Her countenance dropped as she responded, “But everyone is going out to dinner, and I thought we could join them.” He said that he did not have the energy for it and wanted to go home. With deep sadness, Eden let the group know that she would not be joining them; they were disappointed as well but had come to expect this from Adder.
On the way home, Eden asked him what he thought of the event and Adder responded flatly, “Oh, it was good.” She asked, “That’s all you have to say after I worked hard for months to have it turn out so successfully?” To which he responded, “What do you want me to say?” She sat back in her seat, utterly dejected and feeling sad that even something this huge could not make him proud of her.
In this scenario, Eden’s success highlighted Adder’s insecurity; and he masked that insecurity by withholding congratulatory acknowledgements that would be, to him, the same thing as admitting that she was better than him. He could not elevate her because he would feel devalued in the process. This had nothing to do with Eden and everything to do with Adder’s ego. Whenever a narcissist feels challenged, their immediate response is to squash the challenger however they can.
Another subtle tactic covert narcissists employ is to use the Bible as ammunition. Adder would often compare Eden to the Proverbs 31 wife. While vocalizing, “You should try to be more like that”, he was really saying “You are falling short of the perfect wife.” Every time she read that Proverb she felt like a failure in comparison. She also felt like it was hopeless to live up to that kind of a wife and a feeling of failure would flood over her…and that was Adders goal. As long as he could keep her feeling like she was hopeless, he could keep his reigns on her. But no matter how much he spoke disparaging or discouraging words, there was a whisper that was becoming louder and louder in Eden’s heart and soul.
When she first started reading the Bible, Eden was trying to figure out what was wrong with her and how to correct her behavior. She didn’t know anything about Christianity until she became a Christian and met Adder. It was easy to default to his beliefs because she was clueless about religion. Throughout the years, she would find herself disagreeing about certain things Adder would say, but she didn’t have the confidence to vocalize those disagreements. But as she started her journey of self-discovery through God’s Word, her core beliefs became stronger as the years passed.
The more she read the Bible, the more she became confused about the Christianity that Adder was presenting and expecting her to abide by. He was extremely critical, held expectations that were too high to meet, and held her ‘sins’ against her. But according to what she was reading, Jesus was gracious, kind, patient, loving and forgiving. Adder was discouraging; Jesus was encouraging. Adder took the life out of her; Jesus made her feel alive. Adder made her feel hopeless, but Jesus gave her hope. Eventually she began to believe Jesus over Adder and her inner self began to blossom. But it was not easy because she was in a fight to free herself from a prison she did not know she was in. She only knew that she was no longer buying into who Adder told her she was (or was not). The stronger she became, the more critical he became. She was growing in her relationship with God, but it was creating havoc in her marriage.
Covert narcissists come across as shy and withdrawn but are still able to manipulate others by their quiet disapproval, lack of approval, or silence. But whether a person is an overt or covert narcissist, the minute they start to lose control, they will fight hard to get it back. Their worst fear is losing their power and will kick their behavior into high gear to regain it. But this time, Adder was on the losing side of the battle.
For twenty years Eden knew her marriage was difficult and that she couldn’t attain the peace she was in constant pursuit of; but she couldn’t nail down the reasons why. A few years after she was out of the marriage a friend sent her an article about narcissism and when she came across the definition of a covert narcissist, that was the moment it hit home…she had been fighting the manipulation and control of a narcissist for two decades. That revelation threw her for an emotional loop, and it took a while not only to accept it, but to heal from it.
Eden’s story reflects a different kind of Silent Prison than Erin experienced. In her story, Erin knew she was in a relationship with a narcissist; but Eden fought to get out of an invisible prison. Thankfully, she did escape and has been able to fully step into the independent woman she always knew she was capable of being. She has found that peace she pursued for countless years and has come to the realization that she will only entertain a new relationship if that person contributes to her peace and joy rather than stealing from it.
It is with high hopes that Eden’s story will reveal some of the secret tactics of an undercover narcissist so that those who are trapped in these invisible prisons can fight their way out to find the peace they have been searching for and deserve.
Until next time, pursue your freedom and stay safe.
Beautifully Unbroken 
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