Beautifully Unbroken

It is the holiday season and, as I look back, like we habitually do on a year end basis, it surprises me at how little I have written this year. Not surprised in the traditional sense of the word, but more in the “I can’t believe how fast time has passed” sense. So much has happened since my last writing that I had to look back to remember what I wrote back in February (Rearview Mirror). That was a tough write because it revealed personal and painful things that I had missed in my last relationship. But now, I have moved forward leaving most of it in the distant past. I am so glad because I would much rather process situations and move forward than stew in any kind of pain for too long. I have, however, come to realize that there is a type of residual pain that is not easy to get away from and that is the pain of loneliness.

What is uncomfortable to me are the connotations that are connected to the word lonely. A few that come to my mind are pity, pathetic, or sad. But for me, those aren’t accurate. I am not one to want or need pity; I am certainly not one who can be described as pathetic; and I am far from a sad person. I actually LOVE to enjoy life and take the opportunity to have as much fun as I possibly can. No, for me the loneliness stems from seeing younger couples just starting to build their futures together and are excited about it; knowing that there was a time when I was doing the same. But now I find myself heading into a future with no life partner to enjoy these golden years with. I Love people; I Love life; I Love doing crazy and exciting things, but it’s hard not to have “my person” to do them with and that is where my loneliness comes from. It by no means defines me, but it is a struggle that I know many divorcees struggle with.

This kind of inner thinking has caused me to look around and truly see the people around me. I wonder how many people are feeling alone, not just during the holidays, but in general. There has been so much hurt done to so many people and none of it makes any sense to me. If we are all just looking for a happy life, then why are we constantly stepping on hearts and hurting others to reach that self defined “happiness”? It seems that we as humans would have figured out by now how to find our happy place without ruining the happy place of others.

 In order to combat this struggle,, I started a side hustle and it has restored my belief in the goodness of people. The whole purpose of starting this side job, other than I could use the extra cash, was to get to know Nashville better and to meet people. I have accomplished both and much to my delight, it has become one of the best decisions I have ever made. I Love connecting with people and have made quite a few friends from it!

It has reminded me that there are still a ton of good people out in the world and that I am a fun person whom people generally tend to like. The amount of times I have been told I am “the best driver ever” and “we Love you”, is hilarious and heartwarming. I have met people who are down on their luck, people who are at the top of their game and all those in between. And what I can tell you with no uncertainty is this…happiness is not synonymous with success and success does not guarantee a lack of loneliness. No matter who we are, what we have accomplished, or what we have failed at, we are all just tying to make our lives better.

As I write this, I just came off a five day cruise in which I contracted COVID on the fourth day. I am quarantined in my room, however, after eight days of being away, my room is the perfect place to be in. Somehow, knowing I am home, that my children are in the house cooking together and getting ready to watch a movie (with a special quarantine chair set out for me to join them later), the loneliness has actually dissipated rather than increased. Funny how that works; I thought this was going to be a sad Christmas holiday, but I realize that the most important people in the world to me are here and we are together. Things are not picture perfect in the sense of a Hallmark movie, but the picture is perfectly us. I have had to let go of many family idealisms that I falsely held for years, and to stop looking for that perfect scenario, with the perfect partner, with the perfect house, and the ridiculous white fence. When you really think about it, that white fence is only truly white when it is first painted. It takes many coats of paint to keep up the “look” of perfection.

I leave you with a thought that I hope will stick with you and cause you to think twice before you step on the heart of someone you Love in search of some intangible happiness that seems better that what you already have; “The grass is only greener on the other side because you stopped watering the grass on the side you are standing on.”

Until next time, water your lawn regularly, love your person undyingly and stay safe!