Beautifully Unbroken

Well, the New Year has arrived and today is the first day of 2024. I am contemplating the upcoming year and am hesitant to apply any kind of feeling toward it. I am not one to be negative so that feels wrong. However, the last several years have seen quite a bit of struggle, pain and disappointment; so it’s hard to attach positive feelings to it either. I want to be positive because innately I am a hopeful person; believing that prosperity and a break in the storm clouds is “just around the corner”. Since 2018 I have been put through the wringer in ways that, if someone had given me a heads up, I would have fled to the Bahamas and checked out of life until it all passed. But, no, I was here for it all and only survived by sitting on God’s lap and keeping my head buried in His chest as He helped me walk through it step by step, situation by situation.

Looking back, there is one particular situation that knocked me off my spiritual feet for a hot minute. I began to work for a company that my then husband worked for and was owned by one of our best friends whom I knew as a deeply Godly man. I had already established my character as friends and my assumption was that he would always have my back because he knew who I was. Sadly, it turned out that he believed every negative thing any employee told him about me, and it eroded our personal relationship. Here’s the kicker, he never said a word to me so I was fully unaware of what was happening! After seven years, we ended up agreeing to disagree and I was forced to leave the company. He refused to talk to the people who really mattered because they knew me. Those people were the ones I worked closely with on a daily basis and who held varying degrees, from Master’s to Doctorates. They knew my work ethic and how much I rose above the gossip that was constantly circulating about me. They also knew that I didn’t concern myself with it and did not engage the lies.

I will never forget the day a co-worker approached me and asked, “Hey, do you smoke pot, now?” I was shocked and emphatically said no! I asked him where this was coming from, and his response was, “Some of the guys go out for beers every week and this week one of them asked the group, “Hey, did you all know Kris smokes pot now?”. I just stared at him in disbelief because, not only were these guys supposedly believers, but they were grown arse men who should have had much better things to do with their lives than spend a night out gossiping about me! On top of that, even if I had been smoking pot, they wouldn’t have known that because they weren’t the people I chose as part of my community outside of work because I barely tolerated them at work!

Anyway, I know most people would have gone and cried about it to a manager, but I am the type of person who just didn’t care about their opinions. My only desire was to go to work, get my work done, and go home. Unfortunately, that ended up being what bit me in the butt because I wasn’t talking, but those employees who spent time socializing and taking long breaks were, and it didn’t bode well for me. As I wrote about in Pressure Perfect, some people are held to impossibly high standards and in this situation, I was held to a standard that no one could attain. No matter what I did, I was never going to succeed there because I was too motivated to climb up the company ladder; but the company was smaller, family-owned, and there was no ladder for me to climb. Still, I gave a hundred percent of my time, talents and effort but it was never good enough because it was constantly overshadowed by intimidated co-workers who chose to focus their personal judgements on me rather than putting that same energy into something more beneficial.

The positive side was that, although I was forced to make an exit, I was able to avoid future painful experiences with my ex, who had chosen to proceed with the divorce while we were working at that same company. The whole situation made me examine my life in New York and question why I was still there. Ultimately, I made the decision to move to TN with my grown children (Farmview Drive) and it has been one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself!

This doesn’t change the fact that I was hurt by the actions of someone I once considered one of my best friends; but it has sent me on a contemplative journey that gets clearer and clearer each day. After all was said and done, I have to ask myself, did I put that friend, whom I deeply respected, on a pedestal he never asked to be on? Expectations that he could never live up to? Yes, he was a Godly man with deep roots of integrity and Love for his God and his family. But he wasn’t perfect and, although he made poor judgments that affected me in hurtful ways that he will never fully understand, he was doing his best to do what was right at the time. He ended up facing a great loss in his life and his response has been one that I would never have expected from him. But there again are the expectations that I placed on him.

We have all made decisions that, in hindsight, may not have been the best ones, but doesn’t that come with the territory of being fallible human beings? As much as I have extended forgiveness toward him, I am hopeful that my readers will extend that same forgiveness toward someone who may have inadvertently hurt them. After all, unforgiveness is a lonely jail cell to live in, and we are the only ones in possession of the key to escape the confines of bitterness and live in freedom.

As expected, at the beginning of every year, I hear people asking each other, “What is your word for 2024?”. I haven’t fully settled on one word yet, however, one word I am focusing on is CLEAR. Keeping my mind, heart, soul and spirit clear of the things that may cloud my forward vision. This can cover a large span of things such as forgiveness, higher expectations of how I allow people to treat me, chasing job satisfaction, making plans to create new experiences, admitting that self-care is a thing and defining what that looks like for me ( that one is for my kids who have been trying to convince me for years that it is a thing…I am finally on board with it now :). I could drone on, but I think I made the point.

All this to say that I have no idea what I will be writing about in December of 2024 and it will be interesting to look back on what this year produces. Regardless, instead of sitting idly by and hoping that something good happens, I am going into this year looking for opportunities to fill it with new friends, new adventures and new experiences. I will stay close with Jesus, close to my family, cling to having a positive outlook, conjure up long forgotten dreams to revive them, continue to believe the best in people and help pull forward anyone who crosses my path. I know what matters to me and I am going to stay focused on those things. I will cling to a hope that continually propels me forward in the belief that The best is yet to come!!!

When it comes down to your inner core, what matters to you? What is truly of importance to you? What do you have a deep desire to accomplish? Define what those answers are for you and then chase them courageously and unabashedly in 2024! Happy New year!!!

Until next time, focus on what matters to you and stay safe!